Today, i sat on my sofa, opened up my book to read a bit to try to focus my mind on something that is more important than the thoughts of discontent and sadness that have been grazing my thoughts for quite some time.
The three of us arrange ourselves comfortably.
I sit somewhat sideways, legs covered by my favorite cozy blanket. My first baby, cat of old age LJ, has one paw and his head resting on my arm that is holing my book at the most perfect angle for me to read. And my second, somewhat independent cat, Kitten
(yes, that is her name), snuck quietly under my blanket to use my legs as her resting place.
I open my book, take a deep breath and start reading.
I pause half way through a chapter...I look up and start to become distracted by what needs to be cleaned, dusted and taken care of today.
Then I remind myself to....
STOP!
I listen to the clocks fluttering the sound of seconds passing by. I remind myself to focus. I need to focus on what is at hand...my book.
I read more.
It is so easy to read and not let things, words, sink in, to become part of your thoughts.
'In one ear, and out the other.' My mother would say. I don't want these words to become 'that' for me. I want to relish in the meaning of these words, sentences and paragraphs that have been so carefully constructed onto paper for me and others to read.
I re-read a few sentences and carry on through the rest of the chapter.
The first couple of chapters......
Thankfulness.
What does it really mean to really be thankful? Thankful for what, little things? big things? What does being thankful, truly, look like for me? Not my parents or siblings or even my husband, but to ME?!
As of late, I have felt so empty, without purpose. How does one define having a purpose? If you feel as if your without purpose, is it possible to be thankful?
Pur*pose
[pur~puh s]
noun; verb
-noun
1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
2 .an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
3. determination
4. the subject in hand; the point at issue
-verb
1. to set as am aim, intention, or goal for oneself
2. to resolve (to do something); He purposed to change his way of life radically
dictionary.com
Now, is it really
me creating places to be, relationships, or simply making things to accomplish throughout my existence? Who's to say? Or is it solely God guiding us without our knowledge of where or when our purpose(s) will be served or fulfilled? Or....is it both?
This is me, here, now, trudging through my day to day life finding the things, purposes, that are meant to fill the gaps in my life that feel so empty and worthless and not worthy to live the life that has been set before me.
We, as God's people, have been given different paths that all lead to an ultimate prize. It is how we follow the path, blindfolded...torn...hurt...anchored in the wrong places at times, and always seem to come through. Every time stronger and with more agility than the last.
I want to find my purpose, while also learning to be a humble disciple, and to be thankful as i journey through it all.
